A friend called me yesterday who was struggling a bit in his life. He'd been a personal coaching client for a while, a number of years ago. What he was looking for was a values exercise I'd had him complete during that time. He said, "Otis, I think my values are weak. That's my problem."
I've known Sam for seven years, and have spent a lot of time with him. I said, "Sam, I don't think that is the problem. I think you possess some really strong values--Love of Life; Genorosity; Courage. What you lack is discipline, and the willingness to deal with the consequences of living those values."
After I hung up with him, I realized that both of us were right. Here's the post I sent him...
Dear Sam,
I want to be more clear about what I said to you tonight regarding that your values are not your problem. In fact, we are both right. I am right that your values are not your problem, and you are right that your values are your problem. Here’s why I say that.
The question is... Which values? The values that reflect your potential, or the values you express through action?
When I look at you as my friend full-filling his journey, I see three values in you:
Love of life
Generosity
Courage
To embody any set of high values requires disciplined thought, disciplined emotion and disciplined action.
Without that, the value of Love of Life is reduced to the expressed value of Hedonism
Without that, the value of Generosity is reduced to the expressed value of Consumption
Without that, the value of Courage is reduced to the expressed value of Avoidance
One set of values represents potential, the other set is actual-values-in-action.
So how does one develop disciplined thought, disciplined emotion and disciplined action?
Simple, not easy.
Here is one way of doing it:
1. List your counterproductive behaviors—the ones holding you back from living in life the way you want to.
2. Flip the counterproductive behaviors into replacement behaviors.
3. Decide which replacement behaviors to implement.
4. Implement them, and simply accept and absorb all the pain, fear, anxiety—real or perceived—and bear the consequences.
Is this now more clear?
Much warmth and support,
Otis
