Becoming emotionally intelligent (gaining self knowledge) will always involve two interrelated things: (1) connecting with your inner angst, and (2) finding your wound and healing it. To be human is to be wounded It seems to be part of our journey from hu-man (animal man) to Sons of Man (spiritual beings in hu-man experience). Christ captured the essence of this in, "pick up your cross and follow me."
My wife Sara has a PhD in Counseling Psychology and her specialty is working with children ages 0-5. I mention this for three reasons. First, many of you reading this have children. Second, to be human is to be wounded in some way, and those wounds often come in childhood. Third, Sara has seen some of the most wounded children there are. What she knows about that applies to everyone because we all were children and we are all wounded in some way. The degree and type varies. But the set-up does not. (Sara encourages parents to stand on their own two feet to help their children rather than subrogating their responsibility solely to a therapist in her blog Parents on Their Feet.)
Please read this quotation from her blog, and then let's bring it back to you.
“Continuing from the last blog, the infant or young child has to find a way to deal with not being responded to by adults when they need them… The baby feels better when the mother comes to her aid. The baby then starts to believe that she is good or worthy because she is treated well. She has a need - hunger and it is met warmly by the mother - she has value, she is seen. The baby doesn't know this cognitively of course but starts to feel that worthiness based on how she is responded to. ‘I am loved and love-able because I am treated with love’.”
How clear are you on your true motives for action, leader? You see, given that all of us humans have a wound, and given that very few of us have actually "picked up our cross" (meaning work with the form of that wound and allow it to transfigure us), virtually everyone (including you and me) has an elaborate cover-up and compensation all revolving around protecting that open wound, not getting it touched (which sets off pain), and salving over the ever-present, often subtle angst related to the wound.
The net is a harsh reality: many of the actions a leader takes are re-actions unconsciously aimed at increasing their sense of worthiness. Do you see the import this? So now when you read in the scholarly emotional intelligence books that you are not even aware that two out of three decisions you make are not conscious, intelligent responses at all, but are conditioned, habitual, unconscious reactions... well, now you know one of the reasons. And it is affecting your life and business in ways that would (will) astound you.
Here's the net, leader: if you don't actively work with your angst, and your wound, they will drive you and therefore own you. Any true personal development a leader does is always going to bring him or her up against the wound and the inner angst. It is hard, trying, difficult work, but it is also liberating. And you (probably) won't have to lay down on the shrink's couch and recount endless interactions with Mum and Pop to bust a move from that prison.
Now perhaps you see the simple but eloquent power in the assignment I gave my client in the last post. It was intensely practical--consider the full context of your life, rate all the aspects thereof, and begin a series of "next actions" to act on the areas where you are unfulfilled. What I didn't fully disclose, however, is that as soon as he begins to improve his life--addressing that angst--he will be challenged left, right and center. Why?
You see, we cannot create and sustain a life that is inconsistent with what we think and feel about ourselves. It is simply impossible. I cannot tell you why. But you have all the evidence you need. Look at the large numbers of breakthroughs and epiphanies you and others you know have "received". And look at how few of those are sustained (and are sometimes even sabotaged) over time. Therefore, my good friend and client who is working diligently on that assignment can temporarily take his life to the next level. But he will find that if he wishes to sustain his advances and to actually feel the angst release, his personal growth (healing) must be in perfect measure with the shift he's made in his life.
This is something I am grappling with personally, too. We will explore this more in subsequent posts. In the meantime, I hope that what I am writing is helping you see the critical bridge between reading about emotional intelligence / leadership and actually developing yourself as an emotionally intelligent and true leader. The bridge is action. And so few leaders take the action. They think about taking action, and then they do all types of activity. I hope you will take true action, and I hope over the next couple of weeks I can outline some clear, intensely practical action to deal with this situation. If you haven't done the exercise in the prior post, you can start there.
